every sit back and take everything end just to realize that your accually watching everything slip from your fingertips and shater on the floor. yeah thats what happened today. i say the wrong things and do the wrongs things not knowing it sometimes or just not paying any attention to whats going on. i seem to do that alot. its a really bad problem with me to my girlfriend. i dont blame her for being mad and wanting to leave me, it makes scence after what she told me. to tell you the truth i would have left my sorry ass a while ago. but she is strong and she holds back and gives and takes punishment, not being a complete lunatic after everything is done and said and not being covered in blood after beating the fuck out of me, must be some kinda of job. hell she needs payed by the government for that shit. it wouldnt surprise me if she kicks me in the balls when i see her just for the hell of it . but i guess i have to thank god that she didnt leave me even tho she wanted to and that i have been a complete asshole to her latly and for a while now. i got a bunch of stuff that i gotta get situated and fixed and she helps me see where i am wrong. i am wrong alot. i mean alot... we had a huge fight today and it was all me in the wrong, alot. but hopefully when i get new meds to hepl with that and calm me down and shit and maybe happyness will be shinming for both of us together. fuck i sure hope so. she dont need this shit. but i am gonna bust my ass to make her happy and try to keep her happy. i want to be with her till the end of existence. she is everything to me and i have abused her love and basically killed her without touching her and i feel so betrayed by myself. so hopefull things will go up from here and everthing smooth out. so when i do get to her we can have our kids and live a happy life that we want and not live in the hell that we do now. i want her to be my wife so fucking bad. i love her so much. i dont ever want to spend a moment without her. i dont want anyone but her. only her. she is my life. i made her a package today and i dont know when ill send it out but it will be as fast as i can. ill get some heat for sending her stuff but its ok its worth it i think. i love you so much carol.